Patrick Whalen

Background

About Patrick Whalen

Transformation in marriage is realistic with the right effort. Most spouses want a better marriage or happier spouse, yet something seemingly immoveable is often in the way. I guide couples to use their differences to learn more deeply about one another; establish smarter, healthier boundaries; build trust, support, and responsiveness; and cultivate enduring, shared emotional and physical intimacy. My methods are adaptive, kind, direct, and swift, movingly fluidly from holding space, compassionate listening and validation; to direct teaching, modeling, and coaching stances, depending on a couple's need. My approach to couples therapy is closely aligned with the work of Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and well known author, who teaches extensively on the diverse challenges modern marriages face; the winning and losing strategies spouses use and why; the unique relational challenges many men face because of masculine ideals; and how to address problematic marital patterns efficiently with skillful tenderheartedness. My research training provides a unique and valuable perspective to my work as a therapist. Running subjects and using research archives from the Robert Levenson and John Gottman laboratories, I observed, coded, and studied close to a thousand married couple discussions of conflict collected over 20 years, and compared observations with measures of happiness and marital satisfaction. The patterns of communication that predict healthy vs. unhealthy marriages are diverse with many notable and robust patterns appearing subtle or undistinguishable to the untrained eye. The San Francisco Exploratorium has an exhibit that I co-authored and narrate called The Sounds of Conflict that interactively illustrates the (not so obvious) differences between healthy and toxic vocal communication patterns during marital disagreements. The exhibit is now part of their permanent collection and tours to other museums, as well.